Last week a former R & B singer filed a lawsuit against her former romantic partner alleging physical abuse and sexual exploitation. The suit led to discussions about vulnerable young women and powerful wealthy older men in the entertainment industry. People also discussed whether money was a motivation of the suit as it has been alleged by the defendant. One thing notably missing from the discussions was the glamorization of unhealthy and abusive relationships in popular culture.
Unhealthy and abusive relationships are often glamorized in popular culture and typically follow a similar theme. The theme usually includes a young, naïve, virgin who falls in love with an older wealthy man who has a dark past or secret. We have seen this theme play out in both the Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey movies and books. This theme also plays out in several stories in the popular Episode app which is geared towards preteens, teenagers, and young adults. The series You does not follow the same theme above but glamorizes stalking by making Joe appear to be a hopeless romantic. Joe has unresolved childhood issues stemming from being abandoned by his mother. Joe tends to find women who emotionally resemble his mother so he can attempt to rescue and protect them. His actions highlight the challenges victims of stalking face with getting justice because of the difficulty in obtaining evidence and/or proving malicious intent.
Edward Cullen, one of the main protagonists in the Twilight movies and books has been universally viewed as a romantic. However, when you explore the dynamics of the relationship between Edward Cullen and Isabella Swan the relationship has several elements of abuse and control. In my opinion, Twilight’s supernatural element involving vampires and werewolves can distract many from contemplating the unhealthy aspects of the relationships in the series. Edward Cullen was a 104-year-old vampire who fell in love with 17-year-old Isabella “Bella” Swan. He starts their relationship by following and monitoring her (i.e., stalking her) to protect her. He sneaks into her room and watches her sleep without her knowledge. Although the behavior is evasive and a boundary violation, the viewer and reader are given the impression that the behavior is an act of love. Bella was not concerned by the behavior or concerned with the fact that Edward informed her several times that he had urges to end her life. Edward attempted to control her relationship with Jacob Black, a werewolf, and at one point damaged her car so she would be unable to visit him.
Twilight also explores physical violence in relationships; Sam, a werewolf, permanently disfigured his fiancé Emily’s face when she attempted to reject his advances towards her. The act of violence was minimized as “Sam got mad, and Emily was standing too close” in the movie series. Throughout the movie series people avoid the werewolves when angry as opposed to the series having the werewolves demonstrate the ability to control their anger without acting violently. It was also implied that because Sam “imprinted” on Emily the violence was okay, because he selected her to be his partner. The concept of “imprinting” wasn’t fully explored in the movies but was viewed as the wolves selecting of a partner without the partner’s full consent. The partner is unable to reject the person who imprints on them. In Sam and Emily’s case, he imprinted on her, and she rebuffed his efforts to pursue a relationship, which resulted in him attacking her during a fit of rage. So, the explanation of her standing “too close” wasn’t valid because she was attacked due to rejecting him. Twilight’s biggest controversy was during the final movie/book where Jacob imprinted on a newborn and basically claimed the baby as his life partner without the infant being able to consent. Not surprisingly the act was viewed as love and the baby’s parents accepted it, leaving the series to end on a positive note.
I was less engaged with the 50 Shades of Grey series, because of the bad casting and acting in the first film. However, those who follow psychoanalytic theory had a field day with this series. 50 Shades of Grey involves a young and sexually inexperienced college student named Anastasia Steele who falls for a wealthy and mysterious billionaire Christian Grey who has unresolved childhood trauma involving his deceased mother. Christian uses his power and influence to get young women who resemble his deceased mother to sign contracts to be abused and exploited by him as he relives his childhood trauma. The first film seemed to resemble some aspects of Twilight as Christian followed Antastasia around without her knowledge but also highlighted more aspects of control as Christian wanted to control every aspect of her life from food choice to where she slept. The series ends with Anastasia being the one to change Christian and make him a better person. The ability to change the bad guy is the theme in many of the Episode stories, in those stories women experience horrific things and remain dedicated to changing and fixing the broken men.
These movies, shows, books, and games create a fantasy that allows us to unintentionally glamorize gender-based violence through the romanization of perpetrators. These men are wealthy, physically fit, young, handsome and are victims of some trauma. They all secretly want to change and be better people, but don’t believe that it is possible until they meet that one special girl. Many women desperately want to be the one to change a man, to say that they are the reason he is a better person. It is the combination of the perpetrator being a victim, the innocence and naivety of a young women, and the desire to make someone a better person that makes these movies/shows/books much more enticing. It is so easy to lose yourself in the fantasies created in these stories, because we have subconsciously accepted that unhealthy and abusive relationships can be romantic. This allows us to victim blame and justify the actions of the perpetrator. In reality no one should have to experience trauma and pain to change someone or make them a better person.
It takes a significant amount of self-awareness to go beyond the “oh it is just a movie or book” and reflect on the implications and message being shared to young girls, young men, and society. However, once becoming aware of how frequently unhealthy and abusive relationships are romanticized in popular culture, we can make conscious efforts to address our biases about consent, love, and relationships.
Wishing you health and happiness
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